Dong Bong Gong

It’s a good thing I’ve gotten here this soon. I’ve spent all day with him. He’s in quite a state, as far as I can see. He’s been in such a lot of pain. Lucky for him they called me in the nick of time. A day later and it would have been too late. Shhh don’t tell him but he’s clearly in need of some assistance. The poor thing has been so brave despite his incredible aches and pains.

As soon as I arrived, I told him that we’re going to get better. This is the way to good health, I said. We are going to restore your congenital constitution in the most conspicuous way, I said. Your mother is going to be comforted, your father will embrace you, and your sons and daughters to come will all be hale and healthy too. No I haven’t given him a physical exam. I frankly don’t even need to listen to his chest to tell that he has a good heart. Look at him. It’s the only thing that he has going for him, that good heart of his. Why? It’s the source of his resilience, his grit, I tell you I wouldn’t be surprised to find a very resolute jaw with very firm teeth in that robust heart of his, it’s the only possible reason why he can still remain standing in spite of the terrible spasms and cramps and strain – what cramps? Are you asking what which where how cramps? No, it can’t be that you haven’t noticed? Oh I understand, you are simply too polite to point it out. Well we’re going to have to address it if we want the best for him. Come closer: closer: well you see he’s all very… twisted. His body is bent in a very curious way, his figure shows a highly peculiar warping, that poor torso of his is literally looping into itself and his very limbs are all weaving in and out of one other so you can’t tell where his arm begins because his shoulder is snaking around his hip and his elbow is right up his knee and his poor wrists are making a highly irregular acquaintance with the curvy-durvy topsy-turvy ball of his roundabout feet and his skin is tarnished and to top it all off he has been having the most terrible aches and pains and muscle spasms and cramps imaginable and that’s why the poor guy has been feeling terribly sorry for himself. Well as soon as I got here I said to him: Lucky, look at me. But he kept his gaze on the ground. Lucky, I called to him again, I’m here to help you, Lucky. That’s the name I’ve given him. It’s something I do with all the cases that I’m given. I take one look at them and immediately a name comes to me. I of course derive it from that which is lacking. And in this case my gut immediately told me to call him Lucky. But where were we? Oh yes, as I’ve said I’ve spent all day with him and all the while he has been down in the dumps, sitting in his folds, folding in his sitting, positively torting and contorting in that terrific wraparound swivelcoil agonywrithing of his. 

Lucky, I said. You know why I am here. He twisted himself up and around and about all over. I said to him: You know why I have been called to see you. He twisted and groaned and wept. Lucky come on, chin up I said. He wept and groaned and twisted not once not twice but thrice despite my most valiant efforts to cheer him up. Anyway he had absolutely no clue why I was called and he still doesn’t have any clue. What? You don’t know either? Oh god what is the world coming to. Well they didn’t bring me all the way here because of the uncontrollable impulses and wild curves of his painful contortions although that is an affliction that is indeed very hard to endure DONG it’s about these ghastly gaps of his DONG  DONG it’s these yawny mourny holey hollows of his, that’s why they called me. You seem so surprised, but it’s true. They called me in to figure out why he’s missing parts of him. He wasn’t always like this, they said. He was whole and hale and hearty once upon a time. And then one godawful day a void appeared, and then another, and another – the emptiness has come for him, you see, he’s dropping flesh and losing skin and missing an eye and a toe and his fingers are down to single joints… it’s a deplorable state to be in, poor guy, who knows what he’ll lose next. 

I’ve spent an entire day here, I have been carefully observing those tables, yes those suspicious ping-pong tables, what else, and at first I thought that that must be it – those damned ping-pong balls have gotten him.

But just between you and me, that was a silly mistake, I realised quite quickly that these are not ping-pong holes he’s got. Look at them, just look at them DONG DONG DONG Not a zing-shaped hole not a ping-shaped hole not a zip- crack- pring-shaped hole DONG it was striking me in the ear all the time DONG it’s the church bells! DONG it must be the church bells that have given him those dong-shaped holes DONG look at them dong-shaped holes would you just look at them

DONG Dong dong dong go the church bells the toll bells the knoll bells toll for you and me

BONG Bong bong bong go the church bells the toll bells the knoll bells who know he knows who’s next

GONG Gong gong gong go the church bells the toll bells the hole bells he was whole and hale and hearty once upon a time and then a void appeared and then another and another DONG the emptiness has come for him DONG he’s lost his flesh and dropped his skin and still the void keeps opening and the bells keep tolling but no matter because they’ve called the right person you see! I’ve got the pen, I’ve brought the ink, and you! yes you! you’ll distract those bells while I fill these holes, I’ll stuff them with rhythm and rhyme and verse and together we’ll make our Lucky fine and dandy, nice and shiny and whole and handsome again.